The Report Came

(Re: Spring 2010)

The Early Intervention assessment team’s report came the Thursday before our case conference that was scheduled for a Tuesday.  My eyes went straight to the A word.  The big one.  The ONE THING I was most afraid of.  Officially, they can’t diagnose him.  But his scores indicate that “the probability of autism is very likely.”  Also, Liam’s Asperger’s score indicates that “the probability that he is a child with Asperger’s is high, or probable.”

I was okay at first.  Then my head started going.  The first thing I thought was, well there goes having another baby.  Also, Sheridan schools can’t possibly offer what he needs.  I should quit work.  No, wait, I have to keep working so we can afford whatever treatment he will need. OMG, my BABY!!  He is going to have such a long road.  WE are going to have a long road.  Wait.  This isn’t official.  They can’t diagnose him.  But they may as well have.  They don’t WANT there to be anything wrong, either.  A kid with issues costs a school more than a regular kid.  Oh shit he’s not a regular kid. Shit shit shit.  Wait.  How did this even happen?  We didn’t do anything wrong, right?  RIGHT?? I can’t think of anything.  I did drink before I knew I was prego.  He had all his shots, is there some truth to that theory?  He had colic, but so did I and this didn’t happen to me.  Josh says we can’t possibly have caused it.  He says that people who are devoting their lives to studying it don’t know what causes it.  Maybe somewhere down the line we’ll find out that we did something wrong, but for now, no.  He said that this isn’t the result of something we did. 

Then he said something else.  Something wonderful. 

Something that made me thankful that he is my partner in all of this: “Becca, we just have to do our best. And we’re GOOD.”