Picture Day

Today is picture day, and Liam was so excited this morning. He only argued only for a minute when I put a shirt on him with a collar and buttons. I asked him how he was going to smile, and he gave me this crazy, exaggerated grin that would scare turn even the saddest person happy. “No, not like that, Liam! A REAL smile! Can you do a real smile?” I asked. General confusion followed. Then I felt bad, because I certainly didn’t mean to steal his joy, and his cheeeezzzy smile is still cute and miles past the blank stare that we used to be so familiar with! I am still learning when to let him be himself and when to try to correct him or guide him in another direction. One thing I know for sure it that I’m happy when he is happy!

Happy picture day! 

This may be familiar to you...

Good news! I'm published!  Of course, if you're one of the three people that read my ramblings, this will mostly look familiar to you, because its basically a speedy "from then til now" about my boy and the beginning of our journey.

A friend I met through the ABA center has struck out on her own and started this amazing resource: Autism Companion. It is focused on the Indianapolis area, but of course the information and content is universal! It will be available in print and online. I am lucky enough to have played a very tiny role in this, and am excited to see how far it goes!

The Next Thing

Liam is officially done with ABA therapy. It's so strage because we worked SO HARD to get it for him, and now we're voluntarily moving on. I'll write about the recent IEP soon, but for now, for the summer, Liam is going to the YMCA day camp that is held at the elementary school where he will be in first grade next year. 

I'm happy to report that he is doing great! Two of the four staff members have experience with kiddos with autism and sensory stuff, and so far there have been no more than eight kids there. EIGHT! There may be as many as ten. I think we lucked out. As a bonus, Liam will be familiar with the school itself by the time August rolls around.

He keeps asking, "Mommy, I work at camp tomorrow?" He's never had a summer break that he can remember.  He'll be working at home, but only if I can keep him awake past dinnertime! Poor kid doesn't know how to handle playing all day.     

The transition is bittersweet, as he had to leave people he knew, loved, and who loved him back. For me too, because of the fear of the unknown.  So far (if two days count) those fears have been unrealized.

I've been so terrified of this change and I'm feeling some relief in the fact that little Liam has not shown a single ounce of fear or nervousness.

Here's to the next thing, and to taking the next breath.

Waiting

I'm sitting here waiting for Liam's van to get here so we can go home.  They are late,  and my mind is wandering.  I've spent what feels like a good portion of the last three years waiting for this van, and it's all over in two and a half weeks.  I can vividly remember being choked up watching the van with "Applied Behavior Center for Autism" painted on the side drive off with Liam. I used to get such crazy mixed up emotions: disbelief that my child could be on that van in the first place,  gratitude that we were able to make it happen for him,  and worry. Always worry. I'm coming full circle now because the van and everything it stands for has become familiar. Comfortable. The gratuitude is still there,  for how far Liam has come. The worry is there too, about the next steps.

That's what life should be about,  though, right? Always taking the next step, even when it's scary.

What should I write?

It’s been a long time. It’s not that I have nothing to write, or that I haven’t thought about it. In fact, if I have a free moment, writing is all I think about, and I’ve started several times. I NEED to write. I have this urge to put things in print so that they become real. It helps me to really flesh out the answers to life’s tricky questions. My problem is this: What should I write? How deep do I go? What will the four people who see this think about my scariest darkest thoughts? The things I’ve wanted to write lately are not the happiest of topics. I’ve been stressed and confused and does anyone really want in on all of that???

I started thinking about why I read the things that I read. Sometimes I read for entertainment, but mostly I’m looking to connect. I want to know that someone else out there has similar struggles, and I want to know what they are doing about it. I want to feel connected and supported. The words I usually get the most out of reading are those that don’t just scratch the surface of something. I want to read the words that dive deep into someone’s thoughts and fears and joys. I want to feel what they are feeling.

So. I made a decision. I will write. It’s mostly for me, but its also for you, if it helps you to know that someone shares your struggles and joys on this journey. If it doesn’t, don’t read it. Please don’t take offense if I write something that you don’t agree with. I don’t write to offend or discourage, but because its for me, I can no longer be concerned about what anyone else will think.

Thank you for your kindness and your grace in allowing me to write freely. 

Eleven

Eleven years ago, I was a young, optimistic twenty year old preparing to marry my best friend.  I knew from the very first day we spent together that I wanted to live this life with him.  We were engaged in a month and married in less than a year.  We like to say that it was probably a crapshoot…but we’re glad we took the risk!!

We loved the time we had as a couple, especially since we hadn’t been together long prior to getting married, and saw each other only on weekends for much of that time. We closed on our house two days before our first anniversary, rescued a couple of dogs, and after four years decided to add to our little family. Planning for a baby with the love of your life might be the most fun a girl can have. We were so excited, planning and dreaming together, talking about names and discussing how we would raise our children, deciding what they might like and do, what we wanted to do the same as and/or differently than our parents had done. It was pure joy sitting together in the heat of the late summer watching our little boy move across my bare belly. 

Looking back on the first half of our marriage, I know that we had it easy. Life was good and we had very few worries. I know we’re lucky; not all couples have that luxury starting out. It allowed us to get to know each other and build a strong foundation. We had no idea how important that would become. Liam, now six, has continued to bring us much joy, but his issues have also been a source of grief, confusion, anger, sadness, regret, guilt, fear, and anxiety. Our plans for life have had to change drastically. 

In our marriage counseling, the pastor told us that my expectations were higher than those of my husband to be. I have never seen that as a source of trouble for us. In fact, I think it helps balance us out because he is able to see things objectively when I am too emotionally involved. On the other hand, sometimes emotion needs to play a role. We bring unique perspectives to each obstacle. The reason that this works instead of causing a rift is because we share a desire to be a team. We know we are better off together. We know there are things that the other is better at, and we let the other person take the lead when we know that is best for the family. There are also times when neither of us knows the answer, or even the direction to travel. It is these time that I know that I am with the exact right person, because we are always able to talk through things and come up with the best plan. Side by side, we keep pushing through, trying to have fun along the way. He told me recently that everyone gets dealt a hand of cards, some good and some bad. It is up to us to decide how to play them. He’s so right. We do the best we can with what we have when it comes to the “bad cards”, and we are thankful for the “good cards”, using them to our full advantage.

There are so many things about him that I respect, appreciate, even NEED that I had never considered in a partner at twenty years old. My love for my hubby is stronger and our friendship is deeper. I believe that happened because over the last eleven years he has proved so many of the vows spoken on that beautiful sunny day to be true. They are no longer merely words spoken by a couple of kids in love; they are unyielding truths that we can depend on.

Eleven. I’m a lucky girl.  :~)

And we're dancing in the minefields
We're sailing in the storm
This is harder than we dreamed
But I believe that's what the promise is for

Andrew Peterson – Dancing in the Minefields

Good Days

We recently returned from our best vacation ever. We rented a house on the Oregon coast. We had no expectations; we just wanted to relax. Neither of us have been to the Pacific Northwest, so we got online and booked a place. We LUCKED OUT. Last year we did a road trip type trip to Yellowstone and back and saw so many amazing and beautiful parts of the country. However, six hotels in eight days wasn’t the best thing for a child who has trouble staying quiet, holding still, or understanding why he would need to be quiet or hold still. So this year, we rented a whole house with a kitchen and a deck and best of all - no shared walls! I read a tip today on an autism website today that said to get a place with a kitchen so you don’t have to eat out at every meal. I think that tip could easily be extrapolated to this: If you are anyone, with kids or without, a house is a great idea for a vacation! However, if you are a family who has a child who may not understand such “social conventions” as not jumping up and down for hours, and using words to communicate instead of yells,   causing anxiety in hotels for his parents, then a house is not only a great idea, but it is a lifesaver.

Liam kept talking about our “new house” and “new car” and wondering what happened to his house and his car. We kept explaining that we were just borrowing these things and would be going back to our old house and car later. I can’t help but wonder if every time we have been on vacation if he thinks we’ve moved. I wonder if that’s why on some trips he seemed so out of sorts. This was the first time he’s been able to communicate those thoughts and questions, giving us the opportunity to dispel his worry and insecurities. 

I won’t bore my handful of readers with every detail of the mountains, the ocean, the wildlife, the beaches, the fresh fish, the local culture. or any of the other things we loved about Oregon, but I will share my favorite Liam moment. We climbed this huge sand dune. It had to be two stories high. Liam ran up it, we huffed and puffed. We got to the top, slid down, and found ourselves on this huge expanse of beach. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before. It went on for miles. Liam started running. He ran and ran and ran some more. I imagine he has never felt so free in his little life.

We had a whole week of good days. Good days for Liam used to be few and far between. A combination of his difficulty and frustration with communicating and our difficulty and frustration trying to understand led to meltdowns on both sides. In general, these days are gradually becoming farther and farther apart. We have learned more about how Liam learns, and he is learning how to communicate. We are working on how to better prepare him for possibly stressful events. He is figuring out how to calm himself down and get himself out of overwhelming situations when he needs to. We’re learning and working hard, and so is he! Even so, we all needed some time off from all of that hard work. We were all ready for a break, and all of us had a great time. It was refreshing and encouraging to see Liam so relaxed and happy.

I’ll leave you with the evidence while I hold my breath…